So, wow, it's been 7 months since I have written on this dusty page. I always go back and read the previous post before I start a new one. They always say the same sad damn thing-
Nothing has changed. Although I suppose that is wrong to say. Things have changed for me. Things in the situation are stagnant. I have grown. I have mourned. I have lived. I have breathed. I have rested. I have been. I still am.

My parents...they are that. They are distant from me. My father unable to navigate this mess. My mother quitting her therapy, which wasn't working anyways. He has a job now which is a great thing. I haven't really seen him that much since the Spring. Maybe 3 times for 10 minutes....I haven't seen her in a year. It was this time last year I was called to go to meet her at her therapists office. We all know how that worked out. 

I miss them. I miss the whole feeling of family. I miss my Dad horribly. I see how weak he has become, in a weak man kind of way, not in a frail kind of way. He recently told me all he wanted sometimes was a hug and he couldn't remember the last time he had one, he thought it had been years. (This is a hug regarding his wife) I hug my husband daily and cannot even imagine the feeling of needing a hug. I cried for a long time after that conversation. So while I say I miss them, I am quick to say I do not miss what came along with them. All the eggshells and all the anger. All the prickles and attitude. I do not miss that. I will not accept that back in. 

Today for some odd reason is a very hard day. It's been an emotional week for me as a business owner. As a wife. As a mother. All of those had something going on this week that was pretty big. I myself haven't been to see my person in a month or so but feel the need to go and make things straight in my head. Saturday's lately are hard. I hesitate to put it in writing too. So you may not understand what I write here but if I do and it makes me feel better that's ok for this part...I miss the other half on this day of the week. It has been 2 years of missing the other half. I know what I am giving up. I know what I am giving it up for but each weekend it gets a little harder and sometimes I just have to go in the bathroom and cry. I love my children but the other half of this home isn't here for 8 hours of the 48 hour weekend. Today, just now I stood in the kitchen eating wheat thins asking myself why? What would I do if the half was here? Why is this so hard? Am I being a whimp? Am I just being a pain in the ass? What is my problem... I had no answers for myself.

So I write and cry, wipe the tears so the kids don't see and tackle the next pile of laundry or room to clean up. There is a lot of tackling to do so I cannot be here too much longer. 

My other half, the other half. What is going on with him? I know it, I see it, I cannot fix it, I cannot help it and it worries me. The stress of his job is heavy. The stress of family is heavy. There is something going on on that side now. Now my children have no grandparent contact at all. His mother has not been seen by us since August. Wow, I was shocked the other day when he told me that. Our children have us. We have our children. And yes there are days like today where I just want to go in a closet and shut the door. For hours I would sit in there. I might sleep. I might think. Think about a lot or nothing. If I went in the closet today- I would think I want to throw in the towel, I want to pack it all up. I want to go live a simple life on a beach with my children and the other half. Why do I want to pack it all up? Why do I want to throw in the towel? Sometimes I just feel like treading this water is getting old. Maybe I have a short attention span? Maybe I will never be happy? Except I am happy most of the time...

Probably making no sense at this point...and I need to clean floors. I feel a sore throat coming on. I cannot have a germ invasion. My hopes as I sign off here, that the next post will be more positive. That the things this week that were weighing so heavy on me this week could be lighter or resolved. My kids are going to be kids, I love them no matter what. So here's to wine and cheese and crackers tonight with the other half. I bet I will still miss him even though he will be sitting right next to me.

Also- 40 is 26 away. I don't feel it. Never have felt as many years as I am. I guess I feel like it only matters to me that it's my birthday. I wish I could feel like anyone else cared but it will just be another day on the calendar a dinner out and a box of something to open. I wish I felt important to people like people feel important to me. 

PS I am not proofreading