Well Mother's Day came and went. I sent a card, nothing fancy just acknowledgement of the fact that she is my mom. I didn't want to send nothing and have my father get the brunt of her anger about that. She sent me a card in the same fashion. Bleh- However from my end with my kids I had a wonderful day. Kid made presents and mounds of gardening, and a nice steak dinner. That was nice. Simple and nice.
The big question came form my daughter who had presents for the Grammas....I was dreading that. It came and I replied in my simple non detailed response best I could but her little mind couldn't get it the way I was explaining it. That Gramma was unhappy, a lot of grouchy, and her and Grampa were not getting along well. That they just needed time to themselves. That we just needed a break, that I could not be around my mother anymore when she is like this. I didn't say all of that to her but some of it, and some of it kept ringing in my head. It was a bittersweet day...why you ask....well we all want what we don't have right?
We all want plush green weed free lawns right? Well to get that you need all kinds of pesticides, chemicals, things to make the grass grow and things to kill the weeds...and if you have kids and animals and like to sit in the grass chances are you don't have the thick plush lawn you want because it's coming at a price. We would all like to know what it's like to have x, y, or z... There is no denying it. One thing I always wanted was a "mom". Ya know one that liked to take me shopping, one that like to go out to lunch, one that like to go for a walk by the lake, one that would share and talk with me, one that would laugh with me, one that would cry with me, one that would just be my "mom"...do you know that kind. I never had that. I never will have that. Now there is always the saying, "you can't miss what you didn't have"...actually you can, I think. I came to the realization that I would never have what I had been longing for my whole life. The therapist actually said that it will never happen. I didn't believe him, but then I thought about what we talked about and it made complete sense.
We, when we are children, all observe and make choices on and about our path in life. So when I was a young child and was experiencing strife I was making choices. When I would observe my mother (who in all sense and form is the role model for girl offspring) being disrespectful or dominant to my Father or anyone else I didn't like it. So while I had no idea sometimes I was making subconscious decisions to not be that way. We all do it. We make a decision to be "that way" of not be "that way". Isn't that interesting...However I do remember making a conscious decision as well. I made a promise to myself in my head and a promise to my future that I would not be the way the my parents were being. So far I think I have done ok. So far I remember too freshly the way things were and think in my head how can I make this different for me, for my husband, for my children. I want my life and my house to be a place of peace and love and calmness. Don't get me wrong here, there was love and I was loved. But is there ever enough love? Is there ever enough kindness? Is there ever enough encouragement? Is there ever enough just being? Being together?
Which brings me to this...I am madly in love with Keane. They are a band form the UK if you didn't already know...so one of their new songs is called, "On the Road". This is such a beautiful song. You should google it and read the lyrics or buy it on itunes. It's a genuine feel good meaningful song. I wish that the world could be more like this song. This is the way I try to shape my days and my world. If someone is having a hard time I try to help. If I am having a hard time I hope someone helps me. Alright here is a tiny part,
"When the world's laying you low
Why don't you let me carry your load?
When things get bad you know you have a friend
All along the road"
So- really, go listen to it, I bet you will be dancing and feeling good by the second verse. I just wish more of us treated each other this way. It's funny how much family I have around me in the town I live in and we do not see each other. I know they see each other. Somehow I got lumped in with my parents and I am on the outside of the circle. Sad, but it is what it is. I have tried to be part but it fizzles and goes really not far and it is not returned. I was told as a child growing up that family would be all that would be there, friends would come and go but I always had family. And now I really don't see that as happening.
So I hold onto the family I have created. I hold onto the deep love I have for my husband and the relationship I have with him I have worked so hard to have the way it is. We have both worked hard at this "team". We are not perfect but we are comfortable and evolving. I love the openness and joy I have with my children. Openness is not something I had as a child, so this is different and very nice. I will carry their loads from time to time and I hope they will carry mine, because in the end we are hear for each other and here together.
So maybe we will see each other along the road?
Peace, love and happiness is what I wish and hope for you.
(ps, I am not checking for spelling on grammar at the moment, just posting if you would pardon the mistakes...lol)
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