Again, I have waited too long to write. Just the same I waited too long between my trips to the therapist. Goes to show you just never know what life will throw your way. So here I am, next time I will think twice about leaving such a large gap between appointments since something always seems to happen. Oh well, I just keep going, no sense in stopping or complaining. Play the cards you are dealt, draw from the pile when you can.
The title of this post is from none other than a song from the new Keane album. The song is called You are Young. I am a glass half full, sometimes even the glass would be full if you used a smaller one...lol
Get me? So I tend to think younger, feel younger, act younger. I always think that other people should feel young. They are young. Even this woman I know that is 83 years old. She doesn't look a day past 60 something, she drives a Rav4, she walks her dogs daily. She volunteers at the library. She gardens. She even says she doesn't feel her age. She is amazing. If we could all just change out thoughts a little daily then maybe we could change how we feel about age. If you feel young and spry it changes your demeanor. You know how you can look at some people and they have a permanent frown? That doesn't have to be. If they just droll up the sides of their mouth a tad they might even feel better...Anyways....Age is a state of mind. Don't let it hold you back, don't let it hold you down. It's a number it doesn't have to define you. Don't let it define you, you are not a number.
I fear there is so much I want to write at this moment that I may get all ADD and not make sense, so I need to keep reminding myself to focus on the point....So I really think that if we could do tiny alterations on how we think about things or how we do things we could make great change for ourselves. As I just came upstairs from doing laundry, a word popped into my head. Cataclysmic. I wanted to make sure I knew the meaning before I talked about it. This is not a word I would use daily or frequently. I am not sure I have ever really used it at all. The meaning of it though would lead me to agreeing with myself that indeed I would not have had to use it, until maybe now. Weird how this strange word just popped into my head? It is defined as an event that brings great change, a violent and momentous event of demolition or upheaval. So I pondered it for a little bit...Oh- the cataclysm already happened, or I am still in it I suppose. The event was the night I said I would no longer participate in these ill behaviors. The upheaval is still happening. It is making me crazy too but I have been advised not to "own" it. Harder than it sounds. Someone suggested I even drop it off at the Thrifty Shopper. I thought- Damn, if I could drop off a bag there full of all the stuff that is in my head daily I would feel like a new person. So I think about that. When I drive by certain things or place I imagine dropping off large bags of "stuff" and feeling relief. One day my husband informed me that he left his "stuff" in the neighbors driveway....the neighbors he picked...I just laughed, you'd have to know the neighborhood. It was so funny. " Yep, left it in the driveway babe, I didn't need that shit anymore". So I drop where I can. It's like taking an antacid for heartburn...feels so good.
So the song, there are some great line in it. "fearful child have faith in brighter days"... I want to put that on a billboard. People, we have today, but tomorrow is a new day, don't drag the crap from one day to the next. Hard to do and it takes practice. "These days are sacred". Well ain't that the truth...then the title of this post..."lay down your load, cuz everyday it's gonna grow"...yes, lay it down and put it to rest. Because the more we carry it and don't let it rest the older it makes us. It uses up our energy. I wears you down, it makes you old. And you ARE young, no matter what your number is.
Mother's Day came and went. My children made things for my mother. We did not see her on mother's day. So three little boxes sat on my kitchen counter for a week, and another....and I asked my therapist what I should do about it. I had suggested mailing it and got a huge decline from the kids. Okay...so I was told to make an invitation. And be neutral during that and during the meeting if it happened. Yuck, I didn't want to do either. Because there was other things happening in the weeks while the presents sat on the counter. Things like my father leaving the house because he couldn't take it anymore and suggesting all the things that he could do to help himself in this abusive situation. Then he goes back. I cannot comprehend that, but that is abuse for you. I saw the words of my mother admitting that nothing had changed since he left and he was welcome home anytime he wanted to come back. What the crap- why would someone read that and return.....ugh. Yuck. And I of course get two emails from my father about how I must be thinking he is pathetic and weak and I must be thinking horrible things. Yeah all that and more. Like how could you get me involved in this and let me give you my thoughts and time and go and do this. I do not want this drama and crap. I am happy, I have a busy life. I have a husband, children, pets, household things, a business to run and life to keep up with and now I have to deal with your crap because you brought it to my table and left it. You made me part of this thing that didn't involve me. I had my own issue that I brought up and said what was on my mind about it and it got misunderstood as me taking my father's side and this wouldn't be happening if my father never said anything to me about his problems in his marriage. Yuck again. Yuck all over the place.
Emails from my mother about how we needed to meet with a mediator...really? Because I am not the one who lost control. I kept it together. I was mostly calm. I spoke what I was feeling, which my whole life I have never done. I stood up for what was in my heart. What was breaking my heart. I started the seeds for change, at least for myself. Fine we can mediate this. Maybe it's better that way since she can't seem to be in control. I am, however, NOT going to her SW. The one she has taken my brother too for so many years that has not encouraged him to move out or be independent....driving happened and that was like it was the end of the world. How about the next step in life...The only man who could influence this in my eyes is this SW and he is not and hasn't. So, no I am not going there. I am not letting her be in control and push me around any more. I then made all these calls and did some research as to who could the mediator be. Presented it to her and got blasted back with all kinds of issues as to why that wouldn't work and chemistry and she would have to go a few times before-Hello control- this was supposed to unbiased mediation...so much for that. So while I feel like I am back to square one and starting all over I was quickly reminded I have come very far in my efforts to make a change. I carry those thoughts with me and do not leave them in my neighbors driveway or the Thrifty Shopper.
We had made arrangements to meet at the park for the kids to give her presents. The ones sitting on the counter....She didn't feel comfortable coming to my house. Nice. So I told her what time and that we had 1 hour. My Dad wanted to talk and be all friendly with me as if nothing happened-past behavior I am no longer participating in. I walked away as they approached the gazebo I was sitting in. My Father says- you don't have to run away- I said, I am not, I am talking a walk. Because my feelings are that things need to be addressed and they are not. So since the two of them are so fucked up right now and have been I suppose it's my responsibility to get this mess straightened out? So the kids talked with them and did some playing, my mother sat in the gazebo for about 40 minutes of the hour...doesn't that figure. Probably hated being outside the whole time. Hour up, time to go. Called the kids and got in the car. I wonder what they talked about the whole way home? I wonder what my father thinks of all this? Because in my eyes he was next in line to put a stop to all this crap and tell her enough is enough. It's time for you to get some help and work out the problems etc....But he didn't he did what any abused person does. The leave and go back dance. So where do I go and what do I do....
I could go to her SW and just sit down and say -Look, I am not coming her with them. This is why. These are the things that are happening and have been happening over the course of my life and I do not want it anymore. She needs more than this SW can give her. I would think maybe he could direct her to a medicinal person...but so far no. I could try to get them both into my therapist, although he has stated he doesn't really want her in his office. I even thought of her old counselor from when I was in JR high and high school... Called her and asked and she politely declined. OMG- seriously- where do I go? What do I do? I have thought about moving to Fiji. I hear it's relatively affordable and you can get a thatch roof too. I once looked at real estate in Hawaii as well.
So my next appointment is friday, of course all kinds of shit would happen since I spaced out my appointments longer this time. I ponder. I wonder. I hope. I pray. I wait. I listen. I ask. I think. I wish. I be. Yep I just be. because today is my present, to day is my gift to me. I woke up, put my feet on the floor. Made my kids lunch with love. Had coffee with my husband. Today is for me. Just like it is for you. Things will happen today to both of us. Things that will be good or bad or something in between...and we will just have to go with it and accept it. Be one with it. And if we don't like it leave it somewhere along the path that we travel today, because we can.
Go find your peace, and go find your light. I hope the day gives you both and you live today with deep breaths and wide eyes. Enjoy your gifts. These are the ones that matter, not the ones in boxes with ribbons and bows.
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