Change happens whether we want it to or not. We can choose to be part of it and change along with it, or we can choose to sit silently and go against it with every grain of our soul. I like the change that life brings. Someone recently said the most miraculous thing to me, I listened, asked her to repeat it, and then was shocked. "Don't look back, it's not the way you are going", Kudos to my friend an her wisdom on that one. I wrote it on my dry erase fridge board...so everyone can see it, but mostly for myself. Change is happening all around us and if we don't watch for it we might just miss it, some of the change could benefit us and we could really learn from it.
So those were my thoughts yesterday while I had a brief second to write. Now these are todays thoughts, as I also had an appointment. The appointment I needed so very much but I entered it into my phone wrong and was an hour late. SHIT! I felt so bad. Apologized left and right and he squeezed me in for about 40 minutes. I sat in the chair and said well I guess I just better start so here we go...lol. And I went.
See, the last thing that happened was me making an invitation to my mother to come to a mediator that I found. I have not met or spoken with this woman about the situation, simply gotten dates and times and insurance info for the meeting. If you read some other posts I have written then you would know she declined my offer of seeing this woman and I had given her about 5 days and times, She is out of network and fees are up there. BUT- if it promotes healing wouldn't anyone do it? I was willing to. My husband was willing to pay for both my mother and myself. It was all set. Declined. I called for one more date and to talk about the charges. She suggested I just say that her and I worked it out and there was nothing to worry about just to meet and begin healing. And so I sent that in my invitation. The date, the time, and there was no worries of the payment or insurance, we had taken care of it before hand and all we needed to do was show up for this hour and half session. Declined again. I knew that would happen. I knew there would be excuses. I did not however know the range of excuses I would be bombarded with. Silly I didn't know that huh?
This list was unbelievable. Including but not limited to the fact that it was 30 minutes from her house and that was her biggest problem with this. Other excuses were that she would have to meet with this person first to "gain a comfort level"....bullshit. It was a whole paragraph of excuses. She totally discounted the woman that I found and pulled it apart like a piece of pork that had been smoked for 24 hours. Slathered it up with her swamp juice. Yuck. So today when I am done writing her to address her and her swamp drenched response to me. Today I have to take a break for myself and my sanity. Clear my head, no more talking about this, no more thinking about it, nothing about it. Take a break and a breath from it. It sucks the life out. Kind of like you see a swamp and the trees are all dead and gnarly in it...I will not be one of those swamp trees.
My response...what will it be...what would your response be? I mean come on.. anyone in their right mind at this point would be finished. If this was a friend, I would be done. There is no respect, no compromise, no compassion. Only control. I will not be controlled. I demand respect. I am due compassion, and compromise goes both ways...I have bent over backwards trying to find a mediator, since she is the one requesting it. Her one solution to the mediator is me seeing her therapist who has seen my brother for years and has been seeing the family for years and now seeing my mother, and from the outside I see no progress- why on earth would I throw myself into that fire from the one I am currently in....It's like double suicide. Kill the body and the soul. Yuck.
So I am off to write my email of disappointment. My email of response. My email of sadness that the perimeters of this mediation are so small. Because- I have two children, I would do anything in this whole world for. Anything at anytime. I love them more than words. And what is my mother willing to do for me?
Interesting....
I hope you find peace and love and light and something wonderful in your day.
They are short and fly by, but they give you simple gifts.
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