Well, it has been another hiatus...but I am back. Actually went to the seashore with my family. A nice week of sea air rejuvenation. Looking forward to living there one day. It was beautiful weather and a beautiful time had by all. It was nice to watch my husband and my kids paddle board. Looks like mounds of fun but I do not know how to swim. Went on a little boat to see some seals and actually saw a island off Cape Cod that has 3 houses and they are off and never were on the grid...I thought is looked interesting. The seals were super fun, saw a few babies. The males can weigh up to 800 pounds. YIKES...And the weekend we left there was a shark sighting on one of the beaches we normally go to but hadn't this time. However we did see seals off the beaches we did go to and where there are seals there are sharks...Gotta love the food chain. Part of life and the evolution of it.
So before I left I did what I said I was going to do in my last post which was type an email of disappointment. I added something though. I added a small paragraph at the end ( the 1st paragraph wasn't that long) and it said what I hoped for her. I hoped she would find peace in her days. I hoped she would learn to love herself and hoped she would find something that fulfilled her. I hoped she could let go of whatever has been bothering her for all these years. And when I wrote that I left for vacation having let go. I left having no expectations. I had no feeling at that point about what was going on because this turmoil has been since the end of February but her turmoil has seemed to exist for 30 plus years of my life and I am going to be 39. I just wrote that and it sounds funny and looks funny but that is for another post. I left it as the ball was in her court that I had worn my resources and stated what I would do.
So don't you know Monday I get an inbox from her. So while I am watching my daughter play tennis I read it. I read her words to me. She was saying how I didn't know anything about her. I didn't know anything about her life. Was I basing my opinions on assumptions and observations...Well...let me see isn't observing things how we see things? I have learned not to assume. We all know where that gets us. She went on to say I never told her why I wouldn't go with her to see her therapist. I already did in a very small way. The office is contaminated. What is there not to understand? But she won't go to anyone else because she wants to go to them along first to make sure there is chemistry and man there is a fucking excuse for everything. I said the mediator should be unbiased. She wants to go give them a giant history and get some more control...ssiiiigghhhh. So why else won't I go to this person with her? I have a brother, he is in his 30's still living at home, he is a special needs person. He works. He recently began driving a few years ago. He has his own car. She will not let him have a full time job. She has haulted his efforts to find and apartment. Now this therapist that she sees has seen my brother since he was an adolescent. Of all people in the world he should be the one to be encouraging my brother to be independent. He should be assisting in my mother letting go of the control. So why on earth would I want to step into that office? So I can be crucified? No thanks.
So the next day I get an email from my father. The same man who is still living at home in her wrath, anger, disrespect, and misery. He said sometimes you are dealt cards in life and you just have to play with them, so give it a try. That's it, that was the last part of the email. I had no idea at first what he was talking about.. while I thought for the rest of the day a light bulb came on and WOW.... HE was telling ME to go with my mother to her therapist...HE was telling me. NO way...The man who can't stand up for himself and his happiness was telling me just give it a try? Again I ask... why would I go there? HE recently wrote me he wanted to see the kids off before vacation. I suggested he might want to tell mom, he wrote back it was time for him to be accountable and she would probably blow but he would do it. So, good to know nothing has changed there, still staying in the basement to work I bet while she is there or going out to his shed and still sleeping in a separate bedroom like he has been for years. Snoring or no snoring, everyone deserves to be loved, to me that doesn't sound loving. I am not judging here...just telling you what I see and how I interpret it.
I suppose they would be really angry with me if they knew I was writing all this for the public to view. This is my secondary therapy. This is where I keep things organized for myself. No I didn't have to make it public, I could have just typed it and kept it hidden. However- if I have the chance of helping someone or if someone reads this and realizes they are not alone in what they are experiencing it is worth it. (for a long time in my life I felt alone, there are days when I still do but daily reminders I am not) We as humans can bring so much energy to each other and we could help each other in so many ways if we could just open up and be more honest. Some of us like to pretend we are being honest but that isn't real. It hurts sometimes to be real, I get it. What's that old saying...no pain no gain right...yeah, and annoying. It all comes back to people and relationships being dynamic. If you would read back to the beginning you would know what I meant...dynamic and evolutionary...we all are. And so are the relation-ships we sail in.
May you find the piece of sun in your day that brings you joy to share with others. I hope you are living your present. I hope the days are bringing you pearls beyond belief. Everyone deserves the best.
Peace, and Love.
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