I sat in shock with myself and the dogs and my husband on the couch, rereading that sentence in my head, reading it to my husband. It was true. It was shocking. Probably for both reasons.
It saddens me that this has happened between my mother and I. There has been mention of a wedge and it may get bigger if not addressed soon. But I think there has been a wedge there for a long time. I wish I knew why? Or maybe I don't want to know...I wan't a difficult child. I remember doing some weird things but we all do. I remember playing with playdough, and she hated that. Hated I left crumbs of it on the table. I tried to clean up best I could but it was never good enough. I like to paint but that didn't happen very often, too messy. Finger paint never happened. Chalk would get washed off the driveway THAT day. I soon opted to chalk up the roads, because why was my art not good enough to stay for a while? Things on the fridge that I drew? Not so much. When I would ask if she liked what I made she would reply, "It's lovely"...Now I would hear that word about a lot of things I made and did over the course of my life. It was a cold word with no feeling or meaning to my ears when it rolled off her lips. There was no substance to it, it was like wet popcorn, wet bread, soggy potato chips...You get my drift.
She loved me, I hope. She said she did. She would squeeze my hand when we would walk somewhere, I made up this secret hand thing where if we were holding hands, I would squeeze-squeeze, and that meant I love you. She would do it back. She would start it. She never played with me, dolls, cards, games, drawing, cars, nothing. I don't remember why. I don't know much about my parents when they were young before they had me or when I was a baby. She did tell me a story within the past year or so that when she was cleaning my umbilical cord with the alcohol one day it spilled and went into my eyes and she got very scared, ran to the neighbors for help I think. I am fine, was fine, am fine...I had stitches in my top lip when I was 4 maybe...standing behind my cousin while he was playing whiffle ball and he was batting was not a good idea. They had to papoose me in the ER, so I am sure that was unpleasant for everyone...I remember a kitten when I was 3 I think. I wanted a kitten so bad. Somehow we got one. It was orange marmalade. I would make these string toys with a rolled up napkin and play with it. It didn't stay long, and I remember taking it to a farm and leaving it. I think it was a stray that showed up in our yard maybe, but that didn't make it any easier. Nor was it easy when my brother came on the scene and we had to give the guinea pigs to the high school. They were in the room he was to be in and they kept me awake at night or something and she didn't have time to care for them and a new baby...I was in the car for that goodbye too. I had a beagle a couple years after that, she would become my best friend. I don't recall how long we had her. And as I sit and type this I get misty eyes, because she truly was my best friend. She loved me no matter what. She became ill, it turned out she had puppies in her that were undeveloped and it made her very ill. She had to be put down. I was at the vets office while my mother had to make that decision, that was a yucky day for all of us. RIP Bonnie Beagle, may you run around doggie heaven with a dixie hat cup on your head every day. You were my Queen.
I could write more but I have to take a break. Back to owning things...it's important we own our stuff. not just physical stuff, but all that other stuff. We need to announce it, own it, take charge it, get rid of it, mend it, do whatever needs to be done with IT. Don't just let it float around in the atmosphere around you, it becomes toxic, and if the air around you is toxic...well what do you think...
Own it. You are the only one that can, it will make it better for you and for those around you.
Peace, love and light while you are owning....
No comments:
Post a Comment