Well...they say there is strength in numbers...right? We've all heard it...really who the hell comes up with this shit? Remember we were talking about that a few posts ago. I am one. I have strength. I will continue to be strong even though it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. No joke there, total seriousness on that one. This evening the phone rang. Soon as it did, I had a feeling. Sinking. My daughter answered and was talking jolly to whoever was on the other end. They spoke of vacation and fun at the beach, then she handed the phone to me and said it was Grampa. (Deep Breath.)
So. I said hello. I was then asked if my children could come over to their house Sunday for the afternoon and dinner. This was my worst nightmare happening. I was in it. I knew what I had to say. I knew this day would come. I knew it was not going to be easy, as I had already made this decision a long time ago. I politely asked if my mother was going to be there because he said he would pick the kids up after church. (she doesn't attend church, although she will tell you what a christian woman she is and how she reads the bible.) Wouldn't that be like me saying I was a farmer? But I don't actually own a farm...Ugh.
So he replied that yes, she would be there. I am promptly let the word, "no,"roll off my tongue with such strength and force I was even shocked. I wanted to pass out actually. I got an instant headache. Oh, ok. I asked if he understood. He said yes and he respected my decision and wasn't going to challenge it but that didn't mean he agreed with it. So I then went and got a hug from my very patient and loving husband. I sat at my table and cried. I wasn't crying because I was sad per say. What I was, maybe tired. Maybe annoyed. Frustrated for sure. I know I was mad. I knew at that moment for a split second what it was like to have crazy thoughts in my head. I wanted nothing more that to go and throw things, hit things, smash and bash things. I was eyeing the rocks all in my gardens. I put my head in my hands and cried some more, briefly coming up for air to talk to my husband. He gives me strength. Without him I would be flopping around.
Yesterday I went through and re-read the entire blog. (yes I fixed the typos) Still cried a the part about my beagle I had as a child. But, while I read it I was in disbelief. I was shocked at some of the things that had actually happened. I can't help but wonder if the people reading this are wondering what the fuck is wrong with these people. However, I do know there is dysfunction everywhere...Do they wonder how I can just cut my mother off? Do they wonder how a mother can throw a glass of ice water at her daughters head? How a mother cannot make any kind of effort to mend this other than the way SHE wants it to happen? How a mother can bring herself to throw the glass and still not acknowledge it? How she can be so cold to a person she gave birth to?I wonder all those things almost daily.
So as I sat there telling my husband how alone I feel, he agreed with me. When I say alone I mean alone in a sense I am the one who started this, I stood up and said enough, I am protecting myself, and protecting my family. I have my husband behind me giving me strength, I have friends giving me strength and my therapist. But I am at the frontline alone. I always have been. I have always been by myself. Marching to my drum, doing my thing. I am proud of that but also it makes me sad, because I would have loved a sister or a brother to have by my side in times like these. Oh well, I am strong enough the way I am according to the galaxy.
Well, it happened. It wasn't comfortable. I made it through to the other side of myself saying no. I have come this far I said to my husband, I cannot go back at all to the way it was. So many thoughts raced in and out of my head about how over the past nearly 6 months, I have felt relief. I have not had to walk on eggshells, I have had no worries of whether she would react a certain way, no worries of unstableness in my life. I have never had that. Maybe when I was little, under the age of 5 perhaps, but I can't remember that time or how I felt. But I know now, I like the way I feel. I like the healthy road I have chosen. It is just going to be bumpy now and then.
Strength in numbers....well...how about this...you could have 20million dollars and be all alone in a giant 25 thousand square foot house, no family, just hollow walls. Or you could have 20 dollars and so much happiness that you are busting at the seems...which do you pick? I am one, but I have some numbers behind me that are pretty awesome.
I bid you peace and light, may it find you and give you strength.
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