Well, as usual it has been too long. Life got busy. I find the need to write today. I have a few moments. I have a handful of peanuts to eat while I do this. Where have you been the past few months? Have you had struggles? Have you had pain? We all do, we are not alone in this journey. Over the past few months I have talked to a lot of girls and women. The main thing is relationships with their mothers. They are all strained or do not exist. How sad is that? How many of us really have a relationship with out mom's, and if so how healthy is it?
The drama in my life, which for the most part I leave tucked away, it still there. There has been little communication, and what there has been has been very cold and unfeeling. My mother has so much to work on within herself, I feel very sorry for her that it has come to this. There is no one left in her life. Just my brother who will forever be manipulated by her and my father who still continues to take the abuse, disrespect, and un-niceness. I have thrown out so many options and they have all been turned down. I finally told my father I am not allowing myself to talk with him anymore about her and I. He doesn't need to be in the middle. I also sent her a very positive email saying that, that if she wanted to know what I wrote to him and talked to him about it was nothing more than she didn't already know. I require respect, compassion, nice, truth, gratitude, and much more like that with my relationships and I give it, I only expect the same back. I said I would go to her therapist because that was the only option that was available. I feel I am strong enough to do that. I was not earlier in all this...So I told her if she wanted contact with me or about me she needed to do that with me, it was not to be through my father any longer. I would not continue all this email banter back and forth either. I said when you are ready to meet face to face and work on this I will be available.
So last night (I will not check my email at bedtime anymore after this.) I received this email... Hopefully the notice is not too short. Jim Spano /Family Guidance on Tues 10am to 11am. Corner of Burnett Ave. across from The Brooklyn Pickle. Hope to see you then" Now what would your response be after reading this blog and all the happenings? I sat there shaking my head. Cold words. Yep. And the lack of flexibility. Not to mention she knew about this appointment last week, If I had know about it then I may have been able to juggle my schedule, but to throw it out sunday night to a woman with kids, a business, a husband with a job,and life happening at
50 miles and hour, it came across as inflexible and hurried. Both of which I do not want to be part of because this is nothing that can be worked out in a hurry. So my gut told me last night this didn't seem right. I felt the same way this morning. I would have to put some major upheaval in my morning, my husband's morning, and my family's morning, my business's morning all for this. I felt it not possible and didn't want to do that. So that was my response, while she was very generous in offering up this meeting it was last minute. I was not able to come. The lack of flexibility and options with it wasn't going to work as I have my days planned out ahead. I left her with the days and times that we preferable and hoped that she and her therapist would be able to find a time convenient for all of us. This appointment was not made over the weekend. She knew of it last week and could have surely let me know, but chose not to. Another control issue I believe, but at some point there has to be a little piece of humble and give somewhere or nothing will move. I find it interesting my father thinks I am being stubborn and angry by not giving in on the things I require.
I have told him I am not angry anymore, I am not being stubborn. I simply require healthy relationships in my life and require some general things that most people get and give, but she is not giving any of it.
As I write this I feel better, I was feeling a little guilty about sending my note saying that I could not make that time. But honestly, it was not a good option and there should have been some questions like days or times that would work before the appt. was made.
Anyhow...I am going to seize the day. I am making it mine. So many people are hurting right now, homeless and cold, waiting for aid from this nasty storm that came through and showed us all how fragile we as people and we as a world we are. We donated, I hope you are all able to donate to any organization that is helping the people in NY and NJ. That is not far from my home and I cannot imagine losing everything I own. The things mean nothing really, but to have your house washed away into sticks and have no where to go to eat or stay warm, it must hurt beyond belief.
So go forth and seize your day, unwrap your present that sits in front of you. Let the day unfold into beauty and gratitude.
Love and peace....
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