Tomorrow is my birthday. I like my birthday. Always have. I wish there was going to be snow. I had a meeting with my mother a week before Thanksgiving. It didn't go well. She did apologize for throwing the glass at my head. But it was cold as night, like when I tell my kids to say they are sorry to each other when they wrong each other...it was forced, kind of like she *had* to do it. The rest of the hour didn't go well, even with her "professional" in the room. At one point I had to look at him and suggest he didn't know my side of the story and couldn't judge the decisions I made about taking my kids out of the situation. He continued to think I was wrong in taking them away...I do not.

So tomorrow is the day that I came into the world. I exist because she carried me for 9 months, she took care of me, raised me, taught me...And she can't even meet me at a neutral party for therapy 20 minutes from her house.

She was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder when I was in high school...worst time of my life. Worst because she went through several different diagnoses before finding this one that seemed to really be her. And now...no one seems to remember this time. 

So while I have been happy about my birthday, just today I was thinking how can she be so distant to this person she brought into the world. So tonight I will buy myself a gift on amazon, a book about borderline personality mothers. Because I am not the only person dealing with this and I need to feel that comfort.


Side note: THANK GOD, I have a loving husband and children. They make me happy.