Today- today has been very nice. I hope your today has been nice to you. New songs are out by one of my favorite bands, Train. There is a song about love and being in love and about how it sure feels good at first...Isn't that right? Because at first it isn't much work. At first it's like the seed just cracking it's shell to sprout is it not? If you leave it and do not tend to it...it will mold and get yucky. Isn't it the same for love? If you don't tend to it it gets old an yucky as well would you agree...it's because we are dynamic and our relationships are dynamic because we are. Everything is in constant motion, it's always changing. Whether you see it or feel it, it's always changing. The song goes on to say every spring there is a honey bee that stings..."so things can change". Yep the bee has stung.
Today was my second appointment. Today was my, you are ok, you are doing a good job, you will be ok. Today I left feeling good and like I have control. Today I was reminded my myself and the therapist that I am doing this for the good of me and my family. And I suppose in essence the good of the other family involved here to, so that maybe something can change for them.
It's' been 10 days since I last wrote. Tooooo loooonnnggg......so while I do not have that much time to write at the moment, in between laundry loads I wanted to just get some thoughts out there. Today I have spent a lot of time in quiet. Listening to the birds and the daily noises around me. When I am working I miss those noises. It has been good to hear them and appreciate them.
Today I was told I am not a volunteer fireman. Why no I am indeed not one. I said to my therapist, what do I do next? What can I do? He said if you try to get involved in this it would be like entering a burning building. It would be like me running to this building and up to the door and opening it only to get knocked down and slapped on the ground by the incredible backdraft. I would get burned. I would need all kinds of apparatus that I do not have or carry with me to put out that fire or rescue someone. Put in those terms I knew what he was going to say next...Wait. All I can do it wait. Wait for what? Wait for the worst? Wait for the best? ( who ever says that? ) We wait for the worst and hope for the best...Who coins these terms anyways. Read that again- it's so dysfunctional isn't it...
I am beginning to think functional is only a word that should be used with things like buttons and zippers, the gears that shift my jeep, the litter in the cat box. People are not functional, relationships are not functional. My opinion as to why is this- people and relationships are dynamic. So if the gears in my jeep changed shape every time I went to shift-dysfunction. If the button hole changed every time we went to button it-dysfunction. Does this make sense...I don't even know.
I do know we learn things from early ages. We learn how to act and react. We learn at an early age on how we are going to be as adults. So think long and hard about your children and how they see you. Think about how they perceive you. Think about how you grew up and what molded you to make choices. I got my eyes opened today wider than ever...Let's look back the therapist says....(I hate looking back but it was really interesting.)
So nothing has changed in this house on fire. They are still all clawing at the walls and holding their breath. While I sit on the sidewalk and wait for the firetruck. I made that choice to sit there because I do not want to get engulfed in flames. Selfish or self preserving...maybe both? But I decided 8 weeks ago I will not be part of unhealthy behavior anymore. There are boundaries and limits we have...mine were all maxed out. So while I dislike sitting on the sidewalk watching the fire it is the best place for me to be.
We have 3 fundamentals of relationships so far...we need to find the 4th this week...what will it be?
Mother's Day is coming. The people in the house on fire- they have a 40th wedding anniversary coming. I can send cards. I can send flowers. I can send a note. I can send nothing. Part of me says if I send something then I am pretending a little bit that things might be okay. Part of me says if I send nothing then I am saying they do not exist... There is a fine line there. I suppose I have a few weeks to decide what to do.
So bringing it back....the 4th fundamental will be....Support or Humility? What shall it be....
Think about the fire analogy- it rings quite true in my ears.
Bid you love and peace- may it find you well.
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