I was guilty while thinking about what to write about respect in relationships not having it recently. I had been having a hard time in my own head and was a jerk to my husband. Not mean or cruel with my words, I just didn't tell him what was going on and I was cold to him. I was really struggling in my head with what's going on around me. So, respect seems to go right along with trust does it not?
What does it do when you watch someone disrespect someone you love? Does it bother you? Does it hurt you?I have watched it for so many years. Watched two people move through time becoming further and further apart from each other. Watched one belittle the other. Watched one withdraw and slowly become weakened. This has got to be one of the hardest things to see over time. I know they seemed in love at one point in time. I know in my relationship I am deeply in love, he is my best friend in the whole world. I cannot imagine a day without him. I can't imagine living with no respect like I have witnessed. I am close to 40 years old and I have seen this most of my life. I decided I wanted to change. I didn't want to witness it anymore and I didn't want my children to witness it. It was hurtful and demeaning.
So I worked up all the courage I had. I got in my car and drove to my parents house one night even though I got a text that is was not the right time. Someone told me before I did this that it would never be the right time. It would never be convenient or comfortable to do this. Uncomfortable didn't even describe what I was about to go through.
Now history here is interesting...when I was younger I watched my mother struggle with counseling and taking medications for bipolar or depression. Which seemed to run on her side of the family, at least from her mother's side. I was even told that her behavior as of late was reminiscent of my late Grandmother's. Angry, bitter, combative, everyone is wrong, they are right. And she was like her mother, and she was like her mother...and I have no doubt that I would be able to trace this back to a woman I have a picture of sitting in an old Hotel in Canada in the early 1800's who is looking rather miserable...however I would still like to know her and how she lived. She was something like 4 or 5 greats grandmother to me. My point here is if you don't like something and want it to change you can't sit and wait for it. It simply doesn't work that way. You have to get up and take the step to make that change. And like I stated before...not comfortable, not convenient.
While I drove I listened to the song "Somewhere over the Rainbow" performed by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (aka IZ) The ukulele is calming to me. I also needed to kind of remove myself and float away into the song and that is one that is good for floating. It kept me centered. I kept me grounded. It kept me focused. (I told you I wear out music...lol)
So I went and said my peace. Which was mostly said peacefully but voices raised a little bit here and there. She has a tendency to raise hers so when someone does that don't you raise back? Then I would try to center my tone again remembering the ukulele in my head.
When I was really trying to be firm in why I was there and suggesting she need to find joy in her days and time was short, she was getting angrier. She finally couldn't take what I was saying to her and threw her glass of ice water at my head. The chandelier caught it before I did. I just got to clean it up with my Dad. Whatever. I am am over that. I get it, I was saying this stuff that she knew she needed to hear, didn't want to hear and it had been a long time coming, and I stood up to her. No one does that. We all usually walk on egg shells when we feel like something is wrong. No longer walking on them. Don't want my kids to grow up that way. So I cleaned up the physical mess and talked with my Dad, while she ran upstairs but listened on the stairs secretively...I hugged him said I loved them both and drove home hugged my kids and kissed them good night. Sat in my husbands arms on the couch and cried and kept taking deep breaths...I needed that oxygen. While I drove home that night I listened to another song while I was just craving to be home in my peaceful place. I had this longing of walking through the door to feel relief. Then I realized I had created something.
What had I created that I was longing for? This place was home. I had always wanted a place of respite, a quiet place to recharge. A place that hugs you when you walk in the door. I could not wait to walk through my kitchen door. I knew my husband would be standing there to give me a hug. So I listened to another song. "Clocks" by Coldplay. This was how I felt. I couldn't wait to get home because where I left had this feeling of "closing walls and ticking clocks", "missed opportunities", "Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees". The last line..I was done swimming against the tide. So I got out. All I wanted was to go home. My peaceful little piece of tranquility. ( however with 2 kids and 4 dogs and a cat it doesn't always come across that way...that night it did.)
This happened about 6 weeks ago. Nothing has changed. I am not welcome in the house according to her. She badgers him about coming to my house or doing things with my kids so then they argue and he doesn't come. I have been trying to find a therapist to give me some tools on how to deal with this. Things I can try to help them both with, but for the most part my Dad right now needs encouragement and strength. She has worn him down. I am not equipped to deal with this. He seems to want to leave but doesn't know how to take that step. It's miserable over there. It was so hard for me to call this therapist. I had to call the local woman's shelter and ask for a reccomendation. Another step of uncomfortableness but a necessary step. Never in a million years did I think as I was approaching the age of 40 would I be sitting in a therapists office looking for tools to help my 60 year old parents who were about to have a 40 year anniversary but their marriage was in shambles. Why was it in shambles? Because the two people were in shambles. One of them desperately needs help and won't acknowledge that. The other one wants to fix it but can't find the recipe to do so. I just keep saying first you have to fix the people then you can fix the marriage. But this takes time. And what did I say about the ticking clock...
So please, don't waste time wondering or wishing. If you need change make it. Start it. Do it. Be strong in your convictions as hard as it may be, and believe me it will be hard. Find your "home". Find peace in each day. Each day has some kind of pearl to give you, look for that and accept it., It is the day's gift.
I know I need to write more on respect and I fully intend on finishing the fundamentals...but I need to go eat a cupcake and take the dogs for a walk to clear my head...I bid you peace and light.
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